For generations, sports have been held back by one thing: the health and safety of the athletes.
Yes, we all know how satisfying it would be to see a juiced-up shot-putter throw their ball straight to the moon, or watch a soccer player kick the ball so hard it takes a goalie’s head off, but we all know that’s not okay. It simply wouldn’t be right to allow players to ruin their hearts and guts by taking enough Thai testosterone injections to make their balls explode.
But, hear me out, what if we did it anyway?
Billionaire Peter Thiel bankrolling ‘Olympics on steroids’ event that allows athletes to dope https://t.co/WV6nOsPlnZ pic.twitter.com/T5cmccmCsw
— New York Post (@nypost) February 1, 2024
That’s the thinking behind a new game being proposed by lawyer Aron D’Souza. According to the New York Post, “The competition will feature five events — swimming, gymnastics, weightlifting, track and field and combat,” and athletes will be allowed “to use whatever substances they wish ‘out in the open and honestly.’”
Showing up at the Olympics on steroids in a k-hole https://t.co/HVp9eIsiLb
— posting forever (@posting_forever) February 2, 2024
Why are they doing this, besides absolutely incredible TV? Per the Post, the idea is “aimed at aiding research into nutritional supplements and biohacks that push the boundaries of human performance.” Essentially, you let people experiment with drugs, you see which ones work, you start pouring those into your Cheerios every morning, and boom, you’re punching the drywall so hard that you’re knocking your house off its foundation.
Dude, this is the most excited I've been about a sporting event since Shaq and the Orlando Magic made it to the NBA Finals in the 1990s.
— Zach Weissmueller (@TheAbridgedZach) February 1, 2024
No-holds-barred, free-for-all transhumanist freak show to see what the human body can really do? Let's gooo https://t.co/5ZlndNr170
We only have a vague idea of what this will actually look like. According to the Post, D’Souza claims to have already raised enough money to fund the first games, and more details about the games themselves will be revealed on April 17th.
Additionally, he claims that he’s currently in negotiations with several cities to host the first games, though I can’t imagine which cities are ready to have their name on that list. Honestly, if you’re a small breakaway nation looking for international legitimacy, it might be worth it to burn your constitution for a week and let people dope in your capital — looking at you, Transnistria!
The legal cost of this alone will be more than the GDP of a small country
— Tim Burton - e/acc (@notschmeee) February 2, 2024
Whenever the games happen, they’ll likely be an ungodly mix of amazing and horrifying. Needless to say, I’ll be watching.
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